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Post by misha on Aug 6, 2019 20:58:17 GMT
Even a shinai felt heavy ever since what he did.
Soujirou stared at it and he traced the side of the wooden sword with his left hand. It might have been just a few days ago but he still recalled how blood and flesh looked as it coated and slid off the blade of his specially made katana. He remembered the smell and sound of ragged breathing and the reaction his distant - adopted - relative had. He remembered how it was easier than he expected but each night he'd think about blood stained white hair and skin and dull eyes belonging to someone from the family he'd always say he'd project.
Tomoko was worried about him and she tried to make sure he'd relax. She made him a cup of honeyed vanilla tea earlier and set it next to his classwork. He just barely managed to finish it by the time it turned lukewarm and he felt like he retained maybe five sentences out of the whole chapter.
He couldn't shake the daze all day. And now he had another obligation - something he'd usually look forward to and enjoy - but not now.
Soujirou startled when he heard the ringer from the gate and sighed. He felt like he wasn't going to do well if something like that caught him off guard. He placed the shinai down and opened the door. She probably looked better than he did - bright and smaller than him and so much like his family.
He managed a smile and hoped it looked brighter than he felt. He was usually good at that.
"Hey, Himi-chan," he said. He felt like his voice sounded distant from himself - but it definitely felt warmer than he felt he did. "Do you want tea before we start? Or do you just want to get right to it?"
Usually he enjoyed her presence. Right now, though, he didn't think he could focus on anything.
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Post by etoiles on Aug 6, 2019 21:30:17 GMT
While getting ready to go, she felt like she had tight knots in her stomach. Standing in front of the mirror, she pulled her fluffy white curls up, examined herself briefly, and let her hair down. She repeated this for a while — shifting her weight and changing her pose in the mirror occasionally. Hair up, hair down, hair up...and hair down again. The more she twisted and untwisted the scrunchie around her wrist the tighter the knots in her stomach felt.
And this was her secret routine every time she had time scheduled with Soujirou for training.
The walk from her house to his was long and hot but she barely noticed. She had a lot to think about. School. Her most recent piece she was working on. She thought about the PDA and the new Resistance that was becoming more and more prevalent. When she thought about that, she thought about how that whole thing started. Her family getting framed — so well that she believed it. Meeting Miyu Yari. The now constant, tingling-in-the-back-of-her-mind kind of fear that her parents would get arrested. Or worse. She’d be alone and miserable, just like the struggling art teacher.
The humidity clung to her skin by the time she got to the gate and in a passing thought she regretted her decision to leave her hair down. But as soon as the door opened she beamed at him while idly playing with her scrunchie.
”Hi!” she said back. Her smile faltered when she noticed something different in his voice that she couldn’t quite peg. ”Uh,” it wasn’t totally unusual for them to have tea together but that was usually after the hard part ”What kind of tea?” she asked, trying to sound cool. While walking in, she took a long look at his face — trying to see if there was something wrong. But when they made eye contact, she nervously looked away at something else in the room. She was probably just imagining it.
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Post by misha on Aug 6, 2019 21:57:34 GMT
He'd typically notice her brightness and it'd always seep into his mood - she always managed to make him feel a bit softer - but even her voice seemed distant. He didn't notice much of her smile, or the pause, or anything. He just closed the door behind her. He looked back at her and he immediately noticed her hair - pretty and left down and white just like the woman's.
The only word he made out clearly - tea - snapped him from his thoughts enough that he could respond.
"Uh, we have green. Also ginger, vanilla... and we have cinnamon? Chai?" He forced himself to stop - he felt like he could list off the entirety of the cabinets contents. "Or... we coud have tea later? Your call." Soujirou wondered how he'd be able to handle holding that shinai again, especially in this context. Even thinking of the motions was a reminder enough.
Soujirou brought his fingers up to play with the collar of his button up. A few months ago he was more than prepared for this. Now that it actually happened he couldn't shake any of this fog filling his mind.
How pathetic.
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Post by etoiles on Aug 6, 2019 22:12:22 GMT
She thought about it for a moment and let out a small sigh.
”We should probably have some after,” she said, looking over her shoulder to see him again. ”You know. Like a reward. Besides, tea makes me sleepy.” Even with how hot it was outside, she still loved the idea of curling up with a mug of tea — especially with Soujirou’s company. ”Can’t have that.” she added absentmindedly. Casually but carefully she picked up the shinai she saw near the door and handed it to the taller Ayankojiou.
”Lead the way.” She offered a warm smile - one less embarrassing than the one she had when he opened the door.
Moving through the house her eyes followed the familiar decor as a way to distract herself from the tingling part of her brain that told her something was very wrong. Moving almost on auto-pilot, she barely noticed when they got in the training room.
”Did you have a good week?” she asked as she worked on pulling her hair back, expertly tying her curls up with the velvet scrunchie. ”Haven’t heard much from you.” It wasn’t like they talked every day - especially since he was way more busy than she was - but she noticed and it bummed her out more than she’d admit.
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Post by misha on Aug 18, 2021 16:46:47 GMT
"Okay, that sounds good." And it made sense. Tea probably wouldn't feel great in their bodies while they exercised and Soujirou already felt like he was sick. He didn't want something like tea to make him feel worse. It was relaxing, especially with someone he considered a friend, a family member.
He gave a small, short nod before he lead the way to the small training room. The colors of his home all blended together today, the scenery almost didn't exist. Himiko was usually grounding to be around now that they moved passed their initial hostility towards each other but even having her here felt like too much.
But he didn't want to tell her what happened, what he did. He didn't want her to see him as weak or hate him.
When in the training room, Soujirou's eyes immediately moved to his sword set; the katana and wakizashi set next to each other like he hadn't touched them this week. Like he could pretend he didn't use it for it's intended purpose.
He remembered the resistance of flesh against his blade giving way to warm blood and Soujirou swallowed. No, no, no. He couldn't think about that now.
Himiko's voice, thankfully, took him out of his thoughts and back into the present. He looked down at her and watched her put her hair up before he walked over to grab two shinai.
"Oh. Yeah, it was good," he replied absentmindedly. "I've just been busy. A lot going on lately." He forced a relaxed chuckle and smile as he walked over to hand her the shinai. She had gotten stronger and he considered seeing how a bokken would work for her; the heavier wood would offer more of a challenge for her and he realized she'd probably stumble with it a bit more but he didn't think he could handle seeing her stumble too much right now.
He was already having enough trouble right now, with him holding a wooden version of the sword he used to slice down someone just now. He didn't want to land a hit on Himiko today and a bokken would make it too, too easy.
He anxiously slid his thumb along the hilt.
"How was your week? The high school should be getting ready for summer break soon, right?" He tried to deflect it back onto her, about something ordinary and normal. The high school had exams soon... right? He'd forgotten if they had them in May or June.
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Post by etoiles on Aug 20, 2021 12:07:15 GMT
Everything about this interaction felt tense and Himiko was starting to wonder if she did something wrong by coming here.
Granted, she told herself, this was probably an anxiety thing (she had a lot of anxiety things these days) and she was probably imagining it. But when she told herself that, there was another voice saying no, there's something wrong. Shoulders tensed and eyes narrowed, she watched Soujirou carefully. He was laughing and talking to her like normal, maybe he was tired? Whenever she got nervous, she was supposed to "find the facts" in whatever she was nervous about to validate the feeling. Right now she couldn't find any, but that didn't make the feeling go away. She realized almost too late that he asked her a direct question. So her answer felt awkward and delayed, as if she wasn't listening.
"Ah, yeah,"she said, trying to catch up - "Finals are soon and I have a couple of pieces to finish for my art portfolio -- I dunno if I told you about the series my teacher wants me to work on..."[/color] her voice trailed off when she realized she was possibly oversharing. As someone who was always considered mature for her age, Himiko sometimes felt like a bumbling schoolgirl around the older Ayankojiou. So she continued to bumble. "He wants me to, uh, work with mixed media to get me out of my comfort zone -- and I have the painting part down but I'm not sure what other medium I want to use." She weighed the shinai in her hand like she's never held one before. It felt lighter than she remembered, but still heavy.
She was being pushed out of her comfort zone a lot lately.
"But I'm excited for summer!" she added, trying to sound cheerful and falling a bit short. "I'll have more time to--" she cut herself off again. She wanted to say spend time with you but instead she said: "Train and stuff." Himiko forced eye contact with him and smiled.
Taking a few steps away from him, she tried to shake off the tension in her body and ease into a big stretch so they could warm up like usual. After carefully setting the shinai down, she started her usual stretches by pulling kicking her ankle back and pulling it up as far as she could. Her balance has improved significantly since her first attempts at this - but she still used her free arm to balance. While focusing on this, she was able to gather the courage to ask: "You said you've had a lot going on... is there anything I can help with?" When he said that, she honestly thought he meant school-related things or hobbies or something -- so it felt like a harmless question. Then the bumbling started back up -- "Like, you've helped me so much with all of this --"[/color] as she started to talk faster, her balance started to waver and she put her foot down to steady herself. "I could? I don't know? Help you? Maybe?" Hearing it aloud it dawned on her that there probably wasn't a lot of college-level things she could help him with. She had good grades, but...
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Post by misha on Sept 5, 2021 15:32:50 GMT
He was thankful she started to talk about what was going on with her as normal. Anything but the thoughts rushing through his mind - anything to distract from it. Soujirou always liked when she talked about her artistic tendencies because he liked seeing passion in her, but it was something he appreciated better now.
"Maybe you could use alcohol markers?" He suggested. It was the first thought that came to mind because he remembered a cousin back home who used that as his primary art tool. With a sheepish smile he added, "I'm not too familiar with much art, so that's a little out of my element." A aprt of him thought he'd prefer to be sitting with her and helping her brainstorm rather than holding a wooden version of the same tool he used to kill.
He'd thought it would be easy to kill someone. Soujirou loved kendo as an exercise - it was fun, engaging, and his family's rich history with blades was something he was proud of. He'd never realized how hard it would actually be. Or how surreal it would be to use his training for the reality of what swords were made for.
Her warm voice shook him out of that train of thought. Thankfully. He was thankful for her cheerfulness and ignorance a lot.
He took the time to place his shinai against the wall; if asked he'd say he was going to just watch how she moved but he mostly wanted to put the weapon down. It made his hands and mind feel free already.
"Oh, so I can be a stricter teacher, then?" He joked, lips quirking into a grin. Looking at Himiko's face, he was more aware than usual of the subtle Mitsubara features in her face and was thankful for it. He could look at her and not completely see the woman he--
Soujirou folded his arms over his chest and squeezed his elbows. Don't think of that.
"Ah," he breathed. Soujirou didn't know what to really tell her; her desire to help him out was endearing but this was a topic that he could barely speak of to Tomoko. "It's... a bit of a complicated thing. Just talking and doing other things helps."
His eyes didn't leave her, so he noticed when her feet went off-balance and on instinct he moved forward to touch her arm to help steady her. He realized, belatedly, his grip was a bit stronger than it'd normally be when he helped steady her although it probably wouldn't hurt her. He let go and said, softly, "sorry."
Soujirou pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed.
"I'm sorry, Himi-chan." He dropped his hand and tried to smile at her. "I've not been sleeping great and I have a lot on my mind." Not a lie; he couldn't seem to relax long enough to get proper sleep. He was glad Tomoko's skintone matched his; he could use her concealer on his dark, unsightly eyebags.
"Your form's gotten a lot better." She also seemed stronger; much stronger. He remembered when the shinai's weight was visibly uncomfortable for her.
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Post by etoiles on Sept 8, 2021 12:20:31 GMT
Himiko laughed softly at his quip about being a stricter teacher -- "You just want to be mean to me again," she said, obviously teasing, "Since that worked so great when we first met." Looking back at that, she felt a little stupid for giving him the time of day now. She wouldn't normally let anyone talk to her like that -- so she wasn't sure what made Soujirou so different.
When he grabbed her arm, she gasped - not out of pain, but because it scared her and his force made her hyper-aware of how strong he was. When he let go and apologized, she touched her arm where his hand was. "Souji-kun, are you --" she cut herself short and watched him instead, her concern showing clear on her face. Holding her breath while she listened to him, she wanted to grab the magic knight and make him tell her what was going on. It quickly occurred to her that it wasn't school stuff bothering him - something was actually wrong - and she must be in denial or something to not even consider it may have something to do with his affiliation with the Resistance.
She stepped closer to him and gently took his hand. "It's okay. You don't have to tell me what's going on." It was obvious he didn't want to and that made her heart feel heavy. She squeezed his hand while she thought about what to say next. "I just need to know that you're going to be okay. I'm worried --" she paused and let go of his hand -- remembering who she was and what they were and the glaring fact that he was engaged (to someone Himiko respected a lot). Suddenly embarrassed, she busied herself with picking up his shinai and grabbing her own. "It's just that I, uh," She tried as hard as she could to keep her voice steady. She really did. She thought about her parents and how calm they always seemed to be -- even when saying vulnerable things -- and she wondered if they were ever scared to say something too real. She wondered what it was like to always be heard and understood by someone else.
"We haven't known each other very long...so I could be wrong or reading into things or something --" she gripped the shinai tighter in her hands, pulling them close to her chest. "I'm worried about you -- I'm worried this --" she refused to call the Resistance by its name "--I don't know, everything going on -- is changing you." She felt stupid again. It wasn't a foreign feeling to her lately. "I just -- I don't -- I don't want to lose you to it." All her life she heard about the people who died during the war when her parents were young -- but no one really mentioned what the survivors lost, too. She looked away from him, clearly avoiding eye contact. "I'm sorry," she said quietly, "...you're just a good teacher." she added as a pathetic attempt to stay professional but she couldn't even convince herself.
She desperately wanted to feel understood by him.
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Post by misha on Oct 4, 2021 17:53:37 GMT
Soujirou laughed - light and airy - at her teasing. Looking back at their first interaction made him cringe a bit; he liked her now even though they disagreed on a few things. He was surprised she kept talking to him after it, in all honesty. If anyone asked him how they became friends he wouldn't have a proper answer.
When Himiko took his hand Soujirou instinctively flinched - forearm tensing and fingers twitching - but he settled into softly holding her hand. He hated this; he hated showing weakness to her. He was able to maintain his composure around Saaya and mostly Tomoko - although she definitely knew something was up and she also seemed to not be doing great, either - but around Himiko he felt the careful facade breaking.
He hate it. It made his stomach churn. He didn't want to push his feelings onto her; she was seventeen, she was sensitive and delicate, and he didn't know if she'd look at him the same way. Soujirou wanted to be someone she could depend on.
"I," he finally croaked out once she finished talking - it came out almost like a squeak, he realized. "It's harder than I thought it would be." Unspoken confirmation it was resistance related, although he figured she already figured that part out.
"...Don't apologize, it's okay, Himi-chan," he said. "I... would like to say I have it under control." He wanted to say he wouldn't die, that he was stronger than that, but he realized that it was more likely than he thought. The woman he killed was clearly more trained and skilled than him, so what was stopping a human from killing him? Especially with the technology the agency made which neutralized and fought back against magic.
Silence filled the room and Soujirou fidgeted. Then, he held out his hand for the shinai.
"Would you, um, like to have that tea we talk about earlier?"
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Post by etoiles on Oct 6, 2021 12:15:28 GMT
While listening to him she realized she was gripping the shinai with all her strength -- her knuckles turning bone white. Forcing herself to relax her grip, the muscles in her fingers aching with relief, she turned his words over in her head to find a clue to what was bothering him. She wished she could let it go -- like she said she would -- and just let things be. But she couldn't. She wanted to grab him and shake him. She wanted to insist that no one can come out of something like the Resistance the same as they were before.
"I wish I believed you," she admitted quietly, forcing eye contact with him and handing the shinai over. When her hands brushed against his, her chest twisted into something tight. She really did want to believe him -- and she hoped he didn't think she was being condescending in saying so. The girl sighed, and an uncomfortable silence fell over them both.
Her parents would know what to say to dissuade him from going through with this. Maybe. Himiko wasn't sure if he'd listen to them -- they didn't exactly align with a lot of his values -- but she wished they were here to help her talk to him, regardless. Maybe then he'd understand. Or he'd hate her for bringing them into this to tell him what to do. Maybe something very serious happened and he was starting to understand the hard way. Maybe she was too late.
His question interrupted her intrusive thoughts and she nodded, forcing herself to smile. "Yeah, that sounds nice -- if you want the company." Her anxious brain told her he didn't want her around while he was going through whatever he was going through but she didn't want to leave. Truly, she never really wanted to leave.
While moving from room to room, her mind started to wander back to what could've happened to him. Then, after a quick look around, she realized Tomoko wasn't home and felt a moment of panic. "How is Tomoko-san doing?" she asked -- somehow effectively hiding her worry. She knew if she got majorly hurt or something they wouldn't be having this get together right now -- Himiko wasn't deluded enough to think otherwise -- but she wanted to cover her bases and make sure at least the people he cared for her okay. Surely, if something happened to Soujirou during a Resistance mission Tomoko was there too. Saaya wouldn't separate them, right? A chill went down the girl's spine when the spellcaster crossed her mind. Someone like that only cares about their followers for the following -- Himiko was sure she didn't care about their welfare. She probably hated her -- and she's never really hated anyone before.
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Post by misha on Oct 24, 2021 9:18:24 GMT
Himiko's comment made his stomach sink. He didn't want her to worry.
He was glad for the chance to turn away from her as he put the shinai back in their place. One steady breath, one even inhale, and he managed to feel a bit more collected than he was a moment ago. It didn't make the silence between them any more comfortable, but he felt like he could maybe be a bit more steady. Or maybe he was deluding himself. Soujirou didn't know anymore.
He silently moved through the rooms - wondering if he should come up with something to say but when nothing came to mind he let the silence fall between them. Her worry was... charming, in its own way, but it also left him feeling ill.
The broken silence was welcomed in its own way. It stopped him from thinking and silenced the jumble of thoughts and concerns in his mind.
"I do," he said softly. The words I don't want to be alone with my thoughts died on his tongue before he could add them, but he thought them better left unsaid. He didn't want to be weak. He couldn't, especially near her.
When they arrived in the kitchen - a cozy little place with a small table situated against a large window overlooking the garden - he moved to start up the water while he glanced at the tea cans. Before he could ask her what she wanted, though, she asked about Tomoko and he turned back to look at her.
"Ah, she's been fine," he answered, none the wiser for her thought process. "She went out for a run earlier." While Tomoko found Himiko endearing - he was glad the two seemed to get on okay - she often didn't want to bother them when they were doing their training. Sometimes she'd just take that as a chance to do her own schoolwork but sometimes she liked to get her own workouts in.
But he also had a feeling she was shaken from what happened, too. She probably thought a run would clear her mind.
"What kind of tea do you want?"
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Post by etoiles on Oct 26, 2021 13:59:37 GMT
"Oh thank goodness --"[/color] Himiko blurted out -- her hands immediately flying up to cover her mouth. First her face flushed and deepened to a deep shade of red; then she felt her ears burn through to the tip of her nose. "I mean, uh, I was --" the more she rambled the sillier she felt. Right now she'd rather melt into the ground than explain her thought process to him but she wasn't sure how to make words unsaid. So she kept talking.
"I guess, uh, I was worried --" she started, now holding her face in a pathetic attempt to hide her embarassment -- "I don't know why I was worried, actually, it's stupid...," The girl gently rubbed her own cheeks as if that would make her blood vessels chill out. "When left to my own imagination I...assume the worse, sometimes," she finally admitted, her voice cracking. "...Please don't tell Tomo-san" Himiko thought the older girl was so cool -- she'd probably die if she laughed at her. So she laughed at herself, feeling a little crazy now. This wasn't how she saw today going.
Suddenly feeling drained from that rush of adrenaline, she slowly sat herself down by the window. She had the silly idea to press her face against the table to cool it off, but she knew how to keep her composure sometimes.
Sometimes.
[color=56EEE3"Do you have any chamomile?"[/color] She asked, thinking about the calming benefits for Soujirou more than herself. Her fingers carefully untwisted her scrunchie, letting her silvery curls fall to her shoulders. Then she smiled at the magic knight, tilting her head to the side a bit once their eyes met.
"Have I ever told you that I wanted to have my own tea shop one day?" It was her dream ever since she was a little girl. She had it perfectly pictured in her mind -- there'd be a lot of natural light and a nice view where her customers could people-watch while they had their tea. Maybe there'd be a bookshelf where patrons can borrow a book if they leave one in return -- and there'd be a large mug collection. The customers would have to pick their mug before ordering. It'd be a house rule.
Yes, she thought, a safe thing for her to think about when she got stressed. Which was fairly often these days. "That's what I want to do. I want to make tea for people and maybe sell my art there, if I'm still doing that." Or if her art was good enough to sell -- which she thought maybe it might be, one day. "Do you have anything like that?"
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